Ouch! That Brick Wall Hurts!

About 10 days ago (Wed. 2/9/11 to be exact), I hit a mental brick wall.  My fatigue got the best of me.  I did not know what to do, so I just cried!  Honestly, I was too tired to do anything else.

I've never experienced fatigue like this before.  It's not like being tired and needing a nap or a good night's sleep.  It is cumulative.  It keeps adding to itself every day. 

My friend Shawn Lee explained it by using the "spoon theory."  She said it's like waking up in the morning and having 7 spoons to give out during the day.  The spoons represent your energy.  Once all of your spoons have been used or given away, there are no more!  You are done for the day!  You have to wait until the next day to get more spoons.

AMEN SISTER!

People look at you on the outside and think you are fine, especially the people closest to you who really want you to be fine.  But, they have no idea what is taking place on the inside.  The battle with fatigue is real and it is fierce!

I strongly believe I am experiencing such fatigue as an answer to one of my prayers - "God  break my heart for what breaks Your heart."  He is allowing me to have this encounter with fatigue so I can relate to many others who are engaged in the same battle.  He is giving me new insight and compassion.  He is broadening my ability to understand and sympathize.

"All praise to God, the Father of our Lord Jesus Christ. God is our merciful Father and the source of all comfort. He comforts us in all our troubles so that we can comfort others. When they are troubled, we will be able to give them the same comfort God has given us."  2 Corinthians 1:3-4

Satan wants nothing more than for us to isolate ourselves when we are struggling.  He wants us to put on our masks and pretend everything is okay when it's not.  We tend to isolate when we feel no one will understand.  Or when we believe we are in this all alone.  Or when we think we are the only person going through this situation.  Along with numerous other lies we convince ourselves are true. 

Isolation can lead to depression which can lead to hopelessness, etc.  God's heart breaks for people caught in the web of satan's lies.   We were not put on this earth to be alone!!!!  We were made to be in relationships - first with Jesus Christ our Savior and then with other people.  We were made to reach out to one another and help each other - in good times and in bad.

The numerous and creative ways that YOU have ministered to me and my family during my season of cancer are exactly what God had in mind.  YOU ARE A LIVING TESTIMONY TO GOD'S WORD!!!  THANK YOU!  THANK YOU!  THANK YOU!

Now, if I can just stay far, far away from that brick wall, I will be fine!  The other day, it was waiting for me on the freezer aisle at Wal-Mart, and I ran smack dab into it face first!  Not pretty.  Hopefully, I won't do that again!  I am learning my limits.  Please pray that I will stay within my limits withOUT feeling guilty.

Loving HIM with all my heart & soul,
Nancy

You know you are having a good day when...

Battling fatigue from radiation is tougher than I thought it would be.  I've been so mentally drained lately that it has literally brought me to tears!  Being a task-oriented person does not help much either!

But, God's presence and strength are sustaining me.  He is taking care of everything, and He has plans to use it all for His glory!  

So, I thought it would be good to do a little reflecting on some of the things God has done to help me keep things in perspective.  And this verse keeps playing over and over in my mind...    "Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things." Philippians 4:8


You know you are having a good day when...

* You get to witness God answering prayers - MY BROTHER SHANE CAME HOME FROM THE HOSPITAL YESTERDAY - VALENTINE'S DAY!!!  Talk about LOVE!  YAY GOD!!! 


* You dash out of the house without grabbing anything for lunch only to get to work and be told by your cousin Allyson, "We are having lunch at the office today for Valentine's at noon.  I just ordered Chick-fil-a nuggets and chicken salad sandwiches from your husband."  Talk about GOD'S PROVISION!!!

* You muster up enough courage to check your mailbox (after a few days) and are delighted to find NO MEDICAL BILLS!

Instead, you find a precious card from a praying friend who has been asking God to give you exactly what you need - STRENGTH!!!  And she added an extra treat inside.  Talk about A BLESSING!

THANK YOU KRISTIN!!!

And why would someone be afraid to check their mail, you ask.  Well, maybe because the last time she did, she received 6 MEDICAL BILLS in one day!!!  Talk about OVERWHELMING!

Just a little free advice - anytime you receive a medical bill, you should call the billing department to make sure everything is correct.  We have found that some claims were not filed with the insurance company by mistake, were not coded correctly (which ended up cutting our bill in half!), could be negotiated, etc.  Make the call.  It is worth it!


* You are soooo tired you can't see straight and someone shows up at your door with dinner for you and your family.  Talk about BEING THE HANDS AND FEET OF JESUS!

THANK YOU BARBARA!  YOUR CASSEROLE WAS DELICIOUS!

* You conspire to surprise and kidnap your friend on her birthday and it works!  Talk about BEING A GOOD SPORT!  Cindy had gotten all comfy thinking she was in for the night! NOT!!

* Your friend leaves you homemade chicken noodle soup in her mailbox so you can pick it up during your early morning walk through her neighborhood.  Talk about being a TRUE FRIEND! 

THANK YOU SHAWNA LEE!!!

And these are only a few things that God has done!  When we keep our focus on Him, He helps us keep our perspective - even in the midst of our difficult circumstances. 

LOVE HIM!
CLING TO HIM!
TRUST HIM! 
RELY ON HIM! 
OBEY HIM!

HE IS WORTH IT!

Loving HIM with all  my heart & soul,
Nancy

More and More Blessings

It is tough being a night person and trying to learn to be a morning person!  I have so much I want to get done in the morning, but time runs out.  In the evenings, I am so tired I have to go to sleep.  Please pray that I am able to get the important things done and able to let the other things go until radiation is finished.  IT IS HARD!

Also, for the first time since I started radiation, I actually got tired at work yesterday.  At about 11:30am I started yawning every few minutes and needed a nap.  Prior to this, I only got tired after radiation in the afternoons.  I am praying that yesterday was only a one time thing and not the new trend!  I do bookkeeping and it is the first of the month (BUSY BUSY BUSY) so I can't be tired at work right now!

But God is so faithful and takes such good care of me!  When I got home yesterday, I had a little surprise waiting for me....

THANK YOU SHARON and FAMILY!!!!!  What a peace of mind to have a meal in the freezer for whenever we need it most!  And how did you know that we were already out of oranges??!!!  Not to mention the gorgeous flowers - a sign of new life.  THANK YOU SO MUCH!  Your surprise blessed me more than you will ever know.

Then, dinner arrived from these 3 beautiful young ladies!  THANK YOU!!!

Mexican - my favorite!!!  YUMMY!!!  THANK YOU AUDREY and FAMILY!!!  WHAT A BLESSING and ENCOURAGEMENT YOU ARE TO ME!  THANK YOU DEAR FRIEND!

Loving HIM with all my heart & soul,
Nancy

I NEEDED TO BE REMINDED...

"Finally, be strong in the Lord and in His mighty power.

Put on the full armor of God, so that you can
take your stand against the devil’s schemes.

For our struggle is not against flesh and blood,

but against the rulers, against the authorities,

against the powers of this dark world and

against the spiritual forces of evil

in the heavenly realms.

Therefore put on the full armor of God..." Ephesians 6:10-13

A little spiritual battle broke out on Monday night.  It did not surprise me.  It just frustrated me.  I did not handle it so well either.  In my mind, I knew it was one of the devil's schemes.  But, my mouth chose to ignore that memo and take sides with my emotions.  Not pretty.

God is so gracious and forgiving though.  He loves me in spite of myself.  He loves you too.  NO MATTER WHAT!  We cannot out sin God's forgiveness and love.

In an effort to contain my frustration, I decided to occupy my mind by reading.  I'm in the process of reading the book "Radical" by David Platt, and it was close by so I started with it.  I was only able to focus for a few paragraphs before my thoughts drifted back to the spiritual battle field.  Not to mention that I was also getting tired. 

So, I prayed out loud.  First I asked for forgiveness, and then I asked God to show me how to specifically respond to my situation.  I told Him how tired I was and that I really did not want to deal with the situation anymore at the moment.  So, I asked Him to please let me get some sleep and to show me what to do about my situation IN A DREAM.  *I have never asked Him to do that before.  I'm not even sure where it came from then.  I just heard myself saying those words!* 

I felt compelled to read just a little more until I was ready to actually fall asleep.  And do you know what David Platt began talking about 2 paragraphs later???.....

THE AMERICAN DREAM!!!

"As the American dream goes, we can do anything we set our minds to accomplish.  There is no limit to what we can accomplish when we combine ingenuity, imagination, and innovation with skill and hard work... The American dream prizes what people can accomplish when they believe in themselves and trust in themselves, and we are drawn toward such thinking.

But the Gospel has different priorities.  The Gospel beckons us to die to ourselves and to believe in God and to trust in His power.  In the Gospel, God confronts us with our utter inability to accomplish anything of value apart from Him.

As long as we achieve our desires in our own power, we will always attribute it to our own glory.  While the goal of the American dream is to make much of us, the goal of the Gospel in to make much of God.

In direct contradiction to the American dream, God actually delights in exalting our inability.  He intentionally puts His people in situations where they come face to face with their need for Him.  In the process, He powerfully demonstrates His ability to provide everything His people need in ways they could never have mustered up or imagined.  And in the end, He makes much of His own name." (Radical chapter 3)

Uhhh, I would definitely say that God spoke to me through a "dream" - The American Dream!!!  I was blown away - again!  Basically, God told me to rely soley on Him and His power so He could get the glory. I just need to keep my mouth closed and LET HIM DO THE FIGHTING FOR ME!  "The LORD will fight for you; you need only to be still."  Exodus 14:14

David Platt, actually starts chapter 3 of Radical with a true story about a new pastor in a foreign country who encountered a serious threat from a witch doctor and how God clearly took care of that situation.  Talk about spiritual warfare!!!

He also talks about Joshua and the Battle of Jericho.  Jericho was the first city the Israelites would need to conquer in the Promised Land.  Remember, God told them to march around the city for seven days.  Then on the 7th time around on the 7th day, the priest played their trumpets and the walls fell down.

About the Battle of Jericho, Platt says, "Don't miss what God is doing.  He was divinely orchestrating the events of His people so that in the end only He could get the glory for what would happen.  But notice carefully what you don't see.  You don't see all the Israelites going up to the trumpet players and telling them what an incredible job they did that day.  No.  Instead you see the people of Israel realizing that only God could have done this.

This is how God works.  He puts His people in positions where they are desperate for His power, and then shows His provision in ways that display His greatness." (Radical chapter 3)

Okay.  Not only did God speak to me through a "dream" while I was wide awake, He also threw the Promised Land in there too.  You see, Sunday was my husband's 40th birthday.  He and I had a conversation about being tired of wandering around (like the Israelites did in the wilderness) for 40 years.  It is time to cross over into the Promised Land! 

I feel like our current spiritual battle is the first thing that needs to be conquered in the Promised Land (just like Jericho.)  God has made it very clear that the battle is His and victory will only come through Him.
 

Isn't our God absolutely amazing??!!!

Loving HIM with all my heart & soul,
Nancy

I GOT A TEXT MESSAGE EARLY THIS MORNING

from a very dear friend who lives in another city and it said...

"Thinking of you.  Praying for you. 

Curious to know how you have changed lately. 

In the last week, in the last month..."

Since I read this, I can't stop thinking about her words. 

Has breast cancer changed me? 

Am I different? 

How?

After giving it some thought, I must say that the biggest change began in my heart 6 months ago in Haiti.  Meeting the people.  Getting to know them.  Seeing the poverty & getting a little taste of it.  Watching God work.  Experiencing His hope. 

Then Ecuador.  Our mission team - how God assembled us & His swift provision to cover ALL the costs.  The orphans.  Their caretakers.  The women God put in my path.  The prison.  Spending the night in the orphanage.  The STRONG, OVERWHELMING presence of the Holy Spirit.  Inca Link (the ministry that took care of us - Gustavo, Matt & Sarah.)  The freedom to openly express our love & adoration for God through worship at church, without worrying about what others think.  ETC! ETC! ETC!

Both of these experiences prepared me for cancer.  They opened my eyes & my heart and broadened my view of what REALLY matters in this world - PEOPLE.  Not stuff.  Not our comfort.  Not money.  Not our routines.  Not worldly priorities.  Not our schedules. Not us.  OTHERS.

And breast cancer has opened doors for me to meet lots and lots of new people. 

So have I changed?  As I thought about this question, here is what came to mind today:

*I really enjoy doing things for other people, especially when God puts them on my heart.  I am used to giving gifts.  But, receiving gifts has been difficult for me, especially at first.  The reason: I don't deserve your gifts.  Your prayers, meals, visits, meaningful cards & e-mails, thoughtful gifts, etc. have blown me away!  Not to mention brought me to tears on several occasions!  I'm tearing up right now!  (*I'm working on a detailed post about this too.  I will be writing Thank You notes for the next year!)     

But, God has been teaching me some things through your giving.  He's been showing me His love.  There have been so many times that I have needed something or wanted something, and God used one of you to provide it for me!!!  He's been reminding me that His love is a gift.  Even though I don't deserve it, He still gives it to me (& to you) simply because He is God.  He IS love!  (You &) I just need to receive it.  Also, giving impacts both the giver and the receiver.  It effects the heart of us both.  So THANK YOU again for all of your generous gifts!  They have changed me.    

*I am not pushing myself as hard as I used to.  Now when I get tired, I rest.  I am learning to let myself off the hook.  I am also learning to say "no" without feeling guilty.  I don't have to be superwoman, just God's woman.

*Cancer has shaken up my priorities and helped me to focus more on the people in my life.  In the past, if I knew someone was coming over, I would spend all day cleaning my house.  Case in point, we had a family birthday party for Tanner last Thursday.  Normally, I would have spent the day cleaning and preparing, but I decided to hang out with my kids all day instead!  Trust me, my kids definitely noticed this change too.   And I was actually able to sit down and enjoy my family at the party as well.  HUGE! 

*Christmas was a little different as well.  I was not stressed out and running around like a mad woman.  Usually I want to keep buying gifts until the stores close on Christmas Eve - remember I enjoy giving gifts.  But this year, I had no desire to do that.  I purchased a thoughtful gift for everyone and then I was done.  Period.  I was very excited that several of our gifts served a dual purpose.  They were chosen especially for a family member or friend AND were able to benefit widows, orphans & the poor around the world.  (Most of the gifts were jewelry made by women in Africa who use the money to feed their families and maintain their small businesses.) 

Oh yeah, I actually got some sleep on Christmas Eve too!  That was a first.   

There are some things I was determined not to change.  I just had to make some minor adjustments.

*My family and I wanted to go to Christmas at the Billy Graham Library.  It was 16 degrees and windy the night we could go.  It hurts me to be cold!  So, instead of not going, I just bundled up with a few extra layers and grabbed 2 extra blankets for the carriage ride.  And off we went.  We had a great time!  And God reminded me how He can impact the world through a completely surrendered life as evidenced through the life of Billy Graham.  WOW!

*To make riding in the car easier and less painful, I just use my little "faith" pillow as an added buffer between me and my seatbelt.  I am used to being on the go, and I refuse to stay at home! 

*Our family's Christmas Eve tradition is to go to the outdoor ice skating rink in Uptown Charlotte.  I was still sore and guarded but determined to participate.  So, I just skated close to the wall and stayed out of traffic.  But I still went skating with my family.

*My brother-in-law Jeff (aka Guest) & I get each other gag gifts for Christmas, and he likes to wrap mine in several layers.  This year, my gift was in a very large box.  When I opened it, there was a smaller box inside surrounded by tons of balled up newspaper (4 weeks worth!)  My first thought was "snowball" fight.  My second thought was "but what if I get hit on my right side?"  I went with my first thought!  And it turned out to be one of the best times we had all day!

*My daughter has been praying for snow for weeks.  Her daddy was ready to drive her TO some snow the day after Christmas if he needed to.  So when it started snowing on Christmas, there was no way I was going to miss playing in the snow with her and Tanner.  I just layered up and hid behind my husband during our snowball fight!  And I held on extra tight while sledding down the hill.  Some risks are worth taking for the PEOPLE in our lives!

So how about you?  What has happened in your life this past year that has changed you?

My pastor always says, "God loves you just the way you are.  But He loves you too much to leave you that way!"  What a mighty God we serve! 

And although we need to be changed, our God does not.   He is perfect.  We can trust Him completely - no matter our circumstances.  Malachi 3:6 says, "I the LORD do not change." 

Loving HIM with all my heart & soul,

Nancy 

What is eating you?

Do you have something going on in your life right now that is the last thing on your mind before you fall asleep at night and the first thing you think about when you wake up?

You know what I'm talking about, right?  That "thing" that hits you like a ton of bricks before you barely have your eyes open in the morning.  Its reality is a huge weight on your shoulders or a sinking feeling in your heart.  You want to wake up and it be completely gone.

You probably think I'm talking about my breast cancer diagnosis, but I'm not.  I have such a peace about that entire situation.  I am not losing sleep over it nor are my thoughts completely consumed by it.  "Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus."  Philippians 4:6-7 

God is guarding my heart and my mind with His peace when it comes to my breast cancer.

What is bothering me is a reoccurring issue.  It is one I've dealt with numerous times before and thought it had been conquered.  Obviously not.  It reared its ugly head AGAIN last night and stole sleep from me.  It has me all fired up this morning too - I'm venting to you instead of tackling my daily responsibilities.  I just want it to go away for good and never come back!!!  I want to be done with it.  Period.  Lesson learned.  Now let's move on.

But it is also an issue that brings me to my knees IMMEDIATELY because it's so out of my control.  And maybe that's God's point.  Maybe I have been moving away from Him in certain areas of my life and need to turn around & head back in HIS direction.  I need to humbly come before Him and seek His face.  I need to come to the end of myself and remember that every single aspect of my life (big or small) depends on Him.  I have to obey Him - even when it involves other people and it's hard.  I have to be bold, do my part and trust Him with the rest. 

"Trust in the LORD with all your heart
       and lean not on your own understanding;

 in all your ways acknowledge Him,
       and He will make your paths straight."

Proverbs 3:5-6

Okay, okay.  I get it.  I don't necessarily like the process.  But, I get it.  If only I can keep it this time.

So, what is eating you?  And what is God teaching you?

Loving HIM with all my heart,

Nancy