About 10 days ago (Wed. 2/9/11 to be exact), I hit a mental brick wall. My fatigue got the best of me. I did not know what to do, so I just cried! Honestly, I was too tired to do anything else.
I've never experienced fatigue like this before. It's not like being tired and needing a nap or a good night's sleep. It is cumulative. It keeps adding to itself every day.
My friend Shawn Lee explained it by using the "spoon theory." She said it's like waking up in the morning and having 7 spoons to give out during the day. The spoons represent your energy. Once all of your spoons have been used or given away, there are no more! You are done for the day! You have to wait until the next day to get more spoons.
People look at you on the outside and think you are fine, especially the people closest to you who really want you to be fine. But, they have no idea what is taking place on the inside. The battle with fatigue is real and it is fierce!
I strongly believe I am experiencing such fatigue as an answer to one of my prayers - "God break my heart for what breaks Your heart." He is allowing me to have this encounter with fatigue so I can relate to many others who are engaged in the same battle. He is giving me new insight and compassion. He is broadening my ability to understand and sympathize.
"All praise to God, the Father of our Lord Jesus Christ. God is our merciful Father and the source of all comfort. He comforts us in all our troubles so that we can comfort others. When they are troubled, we will be able to give them the same comfort God has given us." 2 Corinthians 1:3-4
Satan wants nothing more than for us to isolate ourselves when we are struggling. He wants us to put on our masks and pretend everything is okay when it's not. We tend to isolate when we feel no one will understand. Or when we believe we are in this all alone. Or when we think we are the only person going through this situation. Along with numerous other lies we convince ourselves are true.
Isolation can lead to depression which can lead to hopelessness, etc. God's heart breaks for people caught in the web of satan's lies. We were not put on this earth to be alone!!!! We were made to be in relationships - first with Jesus Christ our Savior and then with other people. We were made to reach out to one another and help each other - in good times and in bad.
The numerous and creative ways that YOU have ministered to me and my family during my season of cancer are exactly what God had in mind. YOU ARE A LIVING TESTIMONY TO GOD'S WORD!!! THANK YOU! THANK YOU! THANK YOU!
Now, if I can just stay far, far away from that brick wall, I will be fine! The other day, it was waiting for me on the freezer aisle at Wal-Mart, and I ran smack dab into it face first! Not pretty. Hopefully, I won't do that again! I am learning my limits. Please pray that I will stay within my limits withOUT feeling guilty.
Loving HIM with all my heart & soul,